Ten Smiles

I never knew how precious a smile could be, until I feared that my baby never would or could. According to the books, babies start smiling back from around 6-8 weeks, but it didn't happen that way for us. We still don't fully know why, although I have my theories. What is true is that I now appreciate every gurgle and every grin as I never would have had we not lived through all that waiting. And even if she has still yet to laugh out loud, I trust that one day she will. I believe in my delightful little girl.

1. This was her first unequivocal smile. There were hovers and quivers of something like happiness on her face from around 4 months, but never the real thing. Five months old, for her papa back in February. It was a breakthrough for our hope levels, even if all my best tickles and daft faces didn't win me a smile for a good many more weeks and months.





2. Holiday in Brittany in May, so around 7 months. Aunty Mary nearly passed out blowing raspberries, but with a guttural gurgle, Eva began to smile, so it was all worth it.




3. And she warmed into it that week, this smile was for Granny.

Perhaps I was peering at her with too much anxiety and questioning in my face. Trying to make her smile, make her happy, became a challenge and it was hard not to feel her deadpan response to my attempts as a failure. But a baby will never smile because you want them to, only because they want to.




4.  Back to the UK in June. Even at home in France, her smiles were becoming more frequent, maybe once or twice a week. What brought them on was changeable, erratic, which kept me on my toes.

5. She was so incredibly proud of herself for standing up unaided, at around 8 months. Surprised and delighted, also, by the rapturous response she could elicit from her enthusiastic audience.

6. She has long been fascinated by her Papy, watching him with rapt attention whenever he comes round. For the first few months, he would try and identify if she could see, moving a hand in front of her face, anxious at her lack of response. When reassured she was not blind, he became keen to win a smile. She grins at him all the time now.



7. After her bath again. The water on her skin seemed to wake her up to the world around.

8.  This was on my birthday in July. She got very excited about standing up again. The best present possible to see her so excited and happy.

She also peed all over me, I guess she knew it was a special day.

9. At 9 and a half months, she got her glasses and the following day, she saw me and smiled for the first time. This photo was taken a few days later. Getting her glasses was definitely a turning point, even if that very special shared smile was not repeated for another few weeks.

As she became happier and I became happier, I stopped feeling like I was asking or expecting something from her all the time. We both relaxed. I had feared she would never ever look at my face, and then she did. At around 3-4 months, she developed a muscle spasm problem in her legs, which started talk of cerebral palsy, and I feared she would never walk. She is not far from walking already, at 13 months.  I feared she would never smile, then she did. I think fear, anxiety, worry and guilt are fairly commonplace emotions as a parent, but I wish now I had allowed myself more space for hope in all that fear.

10. Eva smiles all the time now. At music, the dog, me, her papa, a new toy, a silly face, a familiar voice on the phone, tickles, a surprise and sometimes for no reason at all that I can decipher.  

Funnily enough, I'm smiling a lot more too :o)